i'm unhappy.
which is different from sad or upset.
it's a bit like disappointed without a direct object.
i'm unhappy.

r: Can't you just keep a Brooklyn Cap and meseenger bag under you bed and slap it on some poor fool just before you bed him down.
r: Maybe rub a little chain grease under his finger nails and a bo' scented cloth on his chest

its not a BAD idea.

hong kong is awesome.
well. awesome in an accessible and ritzy way.
its not the same as destroying the french language to get some ice cream and fries in nuku hiva.
i dress up everyday. i think everyone does. my hotel is above a really fancy mall, rodeo drive style.. storefronts with names i only hear on the television/red carpet coverage. enough store attendants to make anyone feel uncomfortable.. the best things are outside anyway. big buddha, botanical gardens, the peak..

im a lucky girl.

blanketmaker taught eddie and i the phonetic alphabet (the alpha bravo charlies...) one day on watch.
im proud of how fast i learned it.


whiskey tango foxtrot.

ocean themed softerworld

updated to hardy heron
updated to firefox 3.
cleaned up facebook.
it feels nice to be clean between the ears again.
i miss my sea roommates though.

time to osmose tokyo maps

home in chicago. been talking my face off, trying to explain the abyssal plains.
going through my pictures. thinking about what ive done
some of it was way hard
i was very sick for extended periods of time
but i learned a lot. and i'd do it again, i think

being in the spfo (south pacific fucking ocean) for a month, with no glimpse of other life or mainstream media was hard, but for all the guff i gave about missing tv and the internet, when i hit land, i barely dipped my toes back into tv.. i was afraid to lose my ocean buzz.

within my first hour of television reinstatement, i learned that jingles can't be unlearned.
and that pickles have been added to the McChicken sandwich. taco bell has added 78,88, and 98 cent items...

pop music sounds the same
waikiki is full of homely couples honeymooning
and fancy stores i cant afford.

baby we can get you anything you want
anytime you want
but you won't know what its for.

i got my new kidney from a man who liked the motorcycle. vroom vroom.

eddie and i rented a 2008 kawasaki sport bike. crotch rocket, and an excuse to wrap my hands around a fella.

nom nom nom : http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v729/samuraispacebot/S4010199.jpg?t=1213769333

pictures coming. but my favorite part was an elevated highway pass that goes through diamond head, or another mountainous pass.. its mariocart style.. it was breathtaking at 85 mph and open air rushing through a helmet. oahu is beautiful, if touristy and american. i do have a bit of shell shock being on shore again, i forgot about tv. and the utter brilliance/stupidity that can be eavesdropped on a given street corner. its crazy to be at a latitude that sees the southern cross and the north star at the same time.. and no one seems to give a hoot, but a week ago, i remember seeing polaris peek over the horizon one morning, and knowing i was just that much closer to home. i remember seeing cassiopea and using her pointerstars to align the foremyst to steer on a clear night. and once there was too much sunlight, switching over to jupiter right over the boom of the mains'l.

went out to eat with some of the crew, but its different on land, mostly, its a bummer to see everyone start to drink just because they can, i really liked everyone more sober. thats what made sea better than shore component. prohibition.

i arrived in port with my pants being held up by my hands and a belt, and over the last 40 some hours, ive had ice cream 3 times, and now my pants fit again, it was nice while it lasted anyway.

i had a long talk with mama today, about the days i desperately hung my body over the leeward rail, thinking about land 5000 meters below, and how she worried about me everynight,about how the whole family missed me, and telepathically knew i was working hard, but hurtin'4certain.. i told her about the days on dawn watch where i would just meditate on trying to ESP sam into sending a rescue helicopter.. or bad enough weather that everyone would be relieved from watch for a little..

sailing is hard, rewarding, beautiful, labourious, disciplined.
i understand why sailors cut-the-fuck-loose on shore.
why they spend all their money
and then go back to sea.

live from oahu, sober and sleepy, yours forever.

sailed 3200 miles from french polynesia, through the marquesas, through the ITCZ twice, making landfall in honolulu.
in waikiki right now
tokyo in two weeks
hong kong in 3 weeks.
i'm moving to dominica for medical school in december.
i have an able bodied sailor certificate.. but i dont think any merchant ships want someone who can barf for 40 days straight.
the ocean is a crazy place.
not terribly unlike life aquatic
i did get ocean madness at times.
its hard to explain the sensory overload of being back on shore
i missed my family a lot.. med school abroad might be hard.
i'm going to pee myself when i think about tokyo. and seeing nolo again.

im a little bit landsick. i lay awake last night wondering if im in one of those fancy wobbly earthquake proof buildings.. because when i lay down, i feel like the whole world is swaying slightly, like from the top of a 24 story building with a counter weight at the bottom

gimbled, thats the word.

linux is to computers what fixie is to bicycles.

you crash it a few times before you get the hang of it
but when it gets easy, its worth the snob points.

highly utilitarian, streamlined and customizable.

oh, and it took me about 7 hours to learn the commands i needed to make the wlan work.

pretty sweet.

im a very lucky girl
and spoiled rotten.

and someone very dear to me is driving through the night,
to be here in the morning, it means the world to me.

i cant stop smiling and waggling
best
birthday
ever.

going crazy, as time to hear from med schools approaches.
im pissed, and scared and nervous and anxious.
its too bold to say i feel i Deserve a seat, but no one applies Wanting to be rejected.
i feel unmanageably crazy, back to that level where i dont want to share or talk about it, because that would make it Too real and undeniable.
i can't seem to bury it at the same pace that its eating me up. its there when i turn off my phone, put on music, turn out the lights. its always there. it makes me breathe shallowly, turns my stomach upside down, makes my throat feel like its closing up, makes my vision warp and my ribs ache, even if im just lying still.. i hate the feeling. i don't want it to be real. i dont want to validate it.

i can't do Nothing anymore. i dont want to be a coffee jockey forever, and ive lost the glamorisation of a pastoral life and blue collar bliss. im sick of people talking to me like i'm stupid, and not really being able to defend what exactly i Am doing. maybe i'm too proud, or maybe cripplingly insecure, that i need a sentence' worth of degrees after my name to feel like i warrant a moment in the conversation.

i feel crazy. and scared.

its finally clean under my nails. i took a good long soak in mom's jacuzzi. its one of the first things i do as soon as i get to indiana.

theyre gnarled. my nails are chipped and misshapen, different lengths on each finger.
i go back and forth on wearing rings. they get so much crud in them when im working at bakery of doom.

i've been writing a lot. but don't know where to channel my efforts.
class is going well. the professor is super generous on my quizzes. don't know why. maybe she forgets the answers too... because i get the definitions of acronyms wrong.. and when in doubt, say it leads to 'plaque' formation, which contributes to strokes/badbreath/atherosclerosis/indigestion?

today an amtrak train hit a freight train in chicago. climbed right on up and mounted it from behind. no deaths, just more equipment damage. but seriously? trains? the freight train was Stopped.

404, seriously.

im watching the 3rd irrfan khan movie in 2 weeks. didn't know he was such a super star. at first, i was suspicious that all Indian Actor men looked the same. feeling terribly racist and insensitive, i didn't bring it up.. but it turns out it was the same guy in all the movies.

the last half a week has been a slumber party with mo. both busy in our own ways. she with work, me with laundry and rest. but then we bundle up and settle in. crowd around the laptop like its a heat source, both wearing glasses instead of contacts. hoodies from highschool sports teams (hockey for her, soccer for me). we watched Sunny in Philadelphia until we fell asleep. it reminded me of watching TGIF, growing up. after the school week's prohibition on television. we sat so damn close to that zenith tv, crammed between our parents, trying to get our weeks worth of television.. staying up as long as possible, simply becuase no one could make us go to bed.

when my dad was away on business trips, my mom and i would set up a Mega Bed on the living room floor. 3 sleeping bags, openface. pillows and comforters sequestered from all over the house. and we'd try to stay up to watch letterman. i never made it. but i might as well have.

aside: buwahah. we're watching namesakes by jhumpa lahiri, and our family friend is an extra at the wedding. So tacky, hahaha.

nolo and jetson sleep side by side too. and the two of them plus the space heater makes three.

feeling particularly low today, i think its the weather, and the mentality of wearing glasses. Im not used to wearing glasses unless im about to go to bed, or miserably sick. wearing them because i lost a contact in the race is making me feel sleepy and psychosomatically ill.

i was a twat on saturday, i was grasping for straws about what felt so goddamn awful, and mostly took it out on chris. i was mad at myself, i wanted philadelphia to be easily replaced and recreated. i wanted to pwn chicago, right off the bat. the sooner the better.

it was dark, i was half blind, half in the bag and entirely homesick. what resulted was utter physical and emotional disorientation and anxiety.

got to the end point, with help from friends. drank my 25 cent pbr's. did IRO sprints, since i had a reserve of energy from not finishing the race. did well, but wasn't there mentally. felt sobered up from doing so many sprints, and chose to bike home. got chris to oblige (otherwise i'd have to take the El, he had to be my eyes).

i was such a twat. i should apologize (again).
and move.
(again)

some wise-butt has started circulating Lots of $2 bills in evanston.
ive gotten about $20 worth (i cash in my tips and take the $2s out of the register) most of the other bakers do too, and its been this way for a few days.

the transaction with a $2 bill has some social psychology too, because it forces the clerk to look up at the person who is trying to use it casually. smile, laugh, end transaction.
breaks up the monotony of mindless cash register automaton.

You win this round, $2 bill man.

now i have to go around buying coffee, mints, and chapstick, just to keep them circulating.

chris and i are registered for the sadie hawkins race, he's screen printing us shirts, its going to be funny.

i got accepted to SEA today. Ta-hiti! the atolls! South pacific, wooooo.
also, side perk is that it'll be 6 weeks in massachusetts, within an hour drive of 3 of my closest highschool friends.

taking the lsats again, dont know if its a good idea, but it can't hurt.
working on my ireland applications.

something tells me i'd rather be a doctor, but its exponentially harder to get into med school.

i worry about leading a frivolous life, and that concerns me about law.

bagel shop of doom is good. people recognize me all over town, it feels nice.
my favorite are ron and jess, who come in a few times a day, and then i run into them all over the town.. whole foods, b&n, movie theater. its surreal. its almost like having friends.

so i went on the recyclery halloween ride and potluck tonight. it was fun. about 22 miles, i was the only one riding fixed, but it wasn't a problem. it was a relaxed cruising pace. we rode through some cemetaries and wooded paths. it was fun after it got dark. i was a weenie, and put my light on, so people behind me wouldnt get lost. (because i remember being that anxious rider on a clunky bike, stressed about losing the group).

i went as a raccoon, but my ears were in my backpack the whole time, so i mostly went as a girl on a fixie trying to make friends. chris was batman, and wore sunglasses over the mask- he was like dean from venture brothers, it was really funny.

the potluck afterward was good, it was in the recyclery. good food from all. zucchini bread especially. i made vegan leek and potato soup. at whole foods, i had to ask someone if leeks and scallions were the same thing. theyre not. leeks are huge in person/pre-cooking. hehe

everyone really liked it, i was proud of my vegan adlibbing.

after the potluck, chris and i grabbed bits and pieces to put together a fixie. he's going to be my buddy in the sadie hawkins race. he,myself,camille and fro will go on behalf of recyclery.. hopefully we'll go the night before to do the pregaming/iro sprints and cheap drinks too.

two day weekend is crap, needs to be 3 days.
im opening the bakery tomorrow morning, and nancy called to remind me of daylight savings, upon which i 'updated' my alarm clock, except i set it forward instead of back. which was silly, because if i hadn't caught it,, i wouldve opened the bakery at 5 am instead of 7.. yikes.

tonight was the first timei felt frigid after a ride, im fully bundled up in bed, with windows shut... not looking forward to winter.

upon my shoulders a devil and angel sit.

to my right, the pacific northwest and lawschool
to my left, the royal college of surgeons in ireland.

did well on my lsats, which was a real confidence boost. i guess because i didn't know anyone else who took the mcats, my achievement was hanging in limbo somewhere, but because i could stack up against my siblings with the lsat, i dont feel like a total wastoid loser.

doing well on the lsat makes me feel like i could excel at med too. the new focus, fresh air and change of crowd has been soothing.

just a few months till tahiti and sailing. mom is healthy again, nolo is well, and my new room is teh awesome.

its been a really nice lucky streak, the past few weeks, i guess you have to knock shit to pieces before building over it.

so most nights when i close the bakery, i have to splash bleach all over the kitchen floors and then mop it up before i leave.

by the end of the night, i'm so grumpy, i like to pretend its gasoline and that i'm going to torch the place, all cinematically. I usually have music playing too. hehe.

i like it though. my skills and understanding of a commercial bakery/cafe are increasing. i'm going to shadow nancy at her other operation, maudes organics (which makes organic cakes and pastries to sell to bakeries).. it sounds a little more up my alley than sammiches.

moved into a bigger room (in the same house), feels comfortable, the walls are sunny and warm, lots of windows, view of the school and the lake beyond. very nice. i finally have room for my desktop computer, (just in time because i broke my laptop).

i'm in dc, i traveled all day yesterday, it took longer to get from evanston to dc than it did to get from jfk to istanbul.. can't wait till mo and sam get a helicopter or something.

in 15 minutes, it'll socially acceptable to start drinking. this is a very nice vacation.

checked out the recyclery in evanston, they were happy to see me and happier that i was a girl. apparently the women and transgender night needs a hand, and thursdays are My saturdays, so it'll be a nice addition to my schedule.

mo has awsesome cowboy sheets that i get to sleep on when i stay here. theyre so fuckin epic. (wish i were a cowboy).

waiting to hear from SEA. lsat scores come out monday. did my paper for bio of aging this past week, with the dying gasps of the laptop, including an admirable allnighter leading straight into a morning shift at work... serving people who go to work at 10, who don't realize i'd been up 4 hours earlier to make sure they had hot bread, coffee and bagels for work. ungrateful bitches. actually, they tip well. i've been living/profitting off my tips b/c i only get paid once a month.

for when i was single, my pockets did jingle.
i wished that i was single again.

everyone is well, i miss nolo
gotta shower and get ready for lunch.

oh, and i was so tired on the usair flight that i fell asleep with my mouth open, its satisfying to nap that hard.

i fall for the stupidest shit.

morning started at 915 am, not so impressive for my first day 'sleeping in' in 2 weeks.

got a call from jill
"theres a squirrel in my house, and its not scared of me, so i'm scared of it, come help"

went over to go all gonzo on the indoor wilderness. found the culprit hole (a heating duct under her sink that isnt covered in anyway.. saw the feller dash out through there.)

make a duct tape lattice to seal off the vent.. assure her that there isnt a squirrel family living there, eating her cookies.

turns out jill has been sick. has a UTI that got too bad, her kidney was infected and she was in the hospital yesterday.. she thinks she had the UTI before the marathon, and that made it worse.. she seemed ok today.. i told her to be safe, and not hesitate to call.


after the squirrel hunt, she went to class, and i went to downtown evanston to start my day. i needed to buy winter clothes for biking to work.. i wont see my parents for a month or so, and no opportunity to get my winter clothes from indiana.. so with this agenda in mind, i bought 2 coffees, a robe, a dress, and went to see darjeeling limited. (the dress looks nice, and the robe brings to mind the phrase "worlds shortiest skirt" from futurama McNeal episode.).

thats what weekends are about, right?

it was my first time seeing a movie alone, i liked it. i'll do it again, possibly even the same movie, no one has proof ive already seen it. or can tell me they dont want to see it again. truly liberating

i tried to watch hotel chevalier online, but my computer is too slow. the movie theater is super nice.

bagel shop is going well. i like baking.. its hard to start in the morning some days. but its worth it, when Your smile makes other peoples work day start a little more pleasantly.

of course, no one was awake to sell me a half caf white chocolate mocha at 530, when i started making breakfast for EVERYONE ELSE before work.

tips are sweet. i get paid once a month, so i basically live on the tips, sustainable. satisfying.

turkish guy who sings amy winehouse in the shower is moving out, im going to ask about moving to the bigger room, because this tiny room is becoming unmanageable...

yup. worlds shortiest robe.